Patterns. They can be helpful. When I was a little girl my mom made a lot of my clothes. I have found memories of her laying out the pieces of a dress pattern onto colorful fabric and turning those pieces into a beautiful dress. I can’t tell you how thankful I am for those memories. The majority of what I remember is bad but the Lord is healing my heart and causing me to remember so much good. Those good memories are the fulfilling of a promise that God is making all things new in my life.
Currently patterns are threatening to destroy me. More specifically patterns of unhealthy behavior. I’ve had so many unhealthy behaviors in the last 40 years. I’m a walking miracle really. Because of Jesus, my stupid patterns have never actually succeeded to completely take me out.
Earlier this year, I heard God tell me it was time to come out of the desert. Seemed timely since I turned 40 this year. I was so excited and full of hope. Jesus was moving in my life and I often felt like I could burst with excitement.
Fast forward a few months and I find myself in a place of complete brokenness again. How did I get here? Why is this happening? I was focused. I was finding Jesus in every moment of my life. I was trusting and trying like hell to get it right. God was building strength and character in me and I was finding joy in it. How could all of that diminish in a moment.
The good news is, I’ve been here so many times I’ve gotten pretty good at recovering. And I have a fierce determination to stop giving the enemy free reign in my life. There’s a story in the bible about Jesus fishing with his disciples and a storm comes out of nowhere causing them to fear for their lives. Jesus was sleeping in the boat, yet these guys were freaking out. That’s me. I’m the one freaking out even though I’m fully aware of the Presence of Jesus in my everyday life. Jesus gave me a picture of him waking up from his sleep. He’s not angry with me for waking him. He’s not hurt that I didn’t trust him. Instantly, He is with me and in that space the storm dissolves and I’m surrounded in a bubble of peace. The storm is not gone. It is still raging all around. But Jesus is in my boat so there is not way it can be destroyed. I need him to be fully present all the time; sleeping on the job is not an option, at this time. I’m learning that God loves my weakness when it drives me to need Him. He never tires of my total dependence on him.
It’s time for me to stop letting patterns have control. I’ve never considered myself a creative person. For me to be creative was to open myself up to ridicule and I learned very young to protect myself from rejection. I am discovering that as I allow God to heal all the brokenness pent up in me beauty is emerging in the form of creativity. My latest creative endeavor is dancing. Recently, I got certified as a dance fitness instructor. I feel like a kid when I’m dancing. When I started I felt like I was going to die, after all I didn’t start until I was 39. But it was so fun and the advantage to starting that late is I really don’t care what anyone thinks of me. I have no idea what God will do with this current passion but I’m going to let Him work it out form me. I have full confidence that whatever God has planned it will be for my benefit and it will be beautiful!
When I spend time with Jesus creativity flows freely and beautiful things are created. The patterns I have conformed to for so many years must go. They are lies and they have the power to destroy me. I will not be taken out by circumstances. I have the power of the Living God in me and he has the final say in my life. What he says is I am loved, I am strong, I am capable, I am beautiful, I am HIGHLY valued as the daughter of the KING!
I have no idea what my next step is. I’ve been trying to break the pattern for most of my married life. My 20th anniversary is this year too. Crazy right? I got married at 20. When I reflect on the person I was back then I find myself covering her in grace. She was so unaware of the effect of her brokenness. She made the best decisions she could. Love dominated everything for her. Or so she thought. Turns out it was not healthy love. Thankfully God gave me three beautiful reasons to find out what healthy love looks like and demonstrate it at all cost.
My journey to discovering what true love is has produced so much joy, peace and beauty in my life. So, I do the next thing. I keep moving forward trusting that God will get me where I’m supposed to be. And it will be beautifully me!